NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
