My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
we should paint friendship bongs
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