In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
