i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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