So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
