I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You ruined the universe
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