I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
