I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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