So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
