someone threw a dead crab at me
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
