Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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