I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
