Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I will be naked everywhere
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
