Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
