Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
