What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
