I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
