Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
