I can text with my tongue
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
