I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
