this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
