Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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