I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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