I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
