I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
