Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How naked do you want me to be?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
