I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
