why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize