Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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