the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
