i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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