happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
