The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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