well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
