saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
