i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
