Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
