I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
