Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize