drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I want her autograph on my taint
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
