i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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