Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There are leaves in my underwear?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
