I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
