My liver just broke up with me...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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