So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
