I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
