Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
