U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
