I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
