Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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