The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
