I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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