Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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