How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
