I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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