What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hippo gnu deer
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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