I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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