Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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